Monday, 1 February 2016

Funny Valentine Poems English Latest 2016

Funny Valentine Poems English Latest 2016

Valentine Poems

We have SEVEN pages of Valentine poems:
This Funny Valentine Poems page, and
The Valentine Poems Main Page
and the following additional five pages:

Christian Valentine Poems
Family Valentine Poems
Friend Valentine Poems
Kid Valentine Poems
Valentine Love Poems
Here are our funny Valentine poems! Use humorous Valentine verse to keep things light instead of gooey. Cute, funny Valentine's Day poems will get their attention and make them giggle. Give them a chuckle with funny Valentine's Day poems.

This funny Valentine poem is a funny Valentine verse for those who are no longer in the bloom of youth.
Timeless Valentine

As time goes by from year to year,
One thing is surely true, my dear;
Though decades come and decades go,
Just seeing you sets me aglow.

Time shifts my body; I start to sag,
When I pass a mirror, it can make me gag.
My joints all ache; I can hardly move;
Still a smile from you, and I’m in the groove.

Getting older can be a pain,
But with you along, I can’t complain.
Despite the things that we go through,
I know I’ll never stop loving you.

Your loving heart turns life to play,
As we laugh at time from day to day.
So I write this poem, and I’ll hang my sign,
Saying, "Always Be My Valentine."

Before using our poems please see ourTerms of Use
for permission details.

Funny Valentine poems come in a lot of forms. This funny Valentine's Day Poem is mostly nonsense, but it gets the point across. You can use it as a Valentine greeting card message.
If I were...

If I were a key, I would lock you;
If lightning, then I would shock you;
If I were a pier I would dock you;
If I had a band I would rock you.

If I were a spoon, I would feed you;
If I were a house, I would deed you;
On Valentine’s Day, I must plead you,
Valentine, I really need you!
Surprisingly, funny Valentine poems can be for lovers. Here's a funny Valentine poem with some erotic undertones to use as a Valentine greeting card wish.
vintage valentine image jester w hearts front
Superhero Valentine

Valentine, you’re in my dreams,
Both daytime and at night;
I dream of how you’d feel to touch,
How I’d fill you with delight.

So far my dreams have not come true;
You scarcely know I’m there.
But if I were a super hero,
Then I could make you care.

As Spiderman I’d weave a web,
Lure you and catch you in it,
So you couldn’t just smile and walk away,
After talking less than a minute.

As Plastic Man my parts could stretch,
I’d form them as you desire.
We could play till we got it right;
Now that should light your fire.

As Batman I’d show you sweet mysteries
In my secret underground lair.
I’d kiss and caress you to ecstasy;
Say yes; just take my dare.

I might be the superhero you’ve dreamed;
Don’t automatically deny me.
Just put yourself in my loving hands;
You won’t be sorry; try me.

You’re my personal Wonder Woman;
Be my heroine, Valentine.
Let me show you why you should choose me,
And why you’ll love being mine.

Author's Choice

Funny Valentine poems can be written on just about anything. This funny Valentine poem is a humorous Valentine verse about computer addiction. Please respect our paid, registered federal copyright. See our Terms of Use for details.
Since My Valentine Got A Computer

Since my Valentine got a computer
My love life has taken a hit.
Nothing I say is important
Unless it’s a byte or a bit.

Before she got her new laptop,
Everything was just fine;
Now she says we can’t talk
Unless we both go online.

"But honey," I said, "I’m attached to you;
Love is what I feel."
"That keyword isn’t relevant,"
She said, with eyes of steel.

She clicked the keyboard furiously;
The screen was all she could see,
And then to my horror and shame,
She started describing me:

"Your motherboard needs upgrading;
Your OS needs help, too.
And you definitely need a big heatsink
To cool your CPU."

"Don’t flame me, my sweet," I pleaded.
"Not on Valentine’s Day."
"Fix the bugs, and I’ll see," she said,
While looking at me with dismay.

"What ever you want, my darling;
Whatever you need; you call it.
I’ll upload or download anything,
And then I’ll go install it."

(Her hostile CD keeps replaying,
And though I don’t want to fight her,
Is this what I want for a Valentine?
I’ve been burned; can I rewrite her?)

"Are you all hard drive now," I asked
"Is there no software in you?
Don’t you remember the good times?
Let our memories see us through."

"LOL," she said to me, chuckling.
"You’re nothing but adware.
"I’ve got eight gigs of memory;
I’ve got no problem there."

"Please, honey, we can save it," I said.
"Our love means more than that."
"That’s not in my cache; we’re going to crash,"
She said, as she turned me down flat.

(This woman has really changed;
Do I really want to chase her?
More and more I’m thinking
It might be nice to erase her.)

"Aw, honey, don’t talk like that," I said.
"Can’t we just plug and play?
I hereby accept default,
And I’m yours, my love, come what may.

My goal is to make you happy;
I want to be your portal,
But your sudden, distant coldness
Would test the strongest mortal.

If we need a brand new interface,
So we can FTP,
I’m your go along, get along guy,
And I want you to stay with me."

"If you want to get into my favorites," she said,
And you want to get past my encryption,
If you want to get through my firewall,
Here is my only prescription."

"First, put up your own Web site,
And e-mail me when it’s done.
I’ll check your page rank with Google,
And tell you if you’re the one."

My life has become a real trial,
Since my Valentine got a computer.
If I want her to care about me again,
I guess I’ll have to reboot her.

Valentine Senses

If I were a streetlamp, I'd light up the night
Whenever my sweetheart--that's you--came in sight.
If I were a candle, I'd light up the room,
Inhaling your body's delightful perfume.

If I were a chair where you happened to sit,
All of my senses would just throw a fit,
Because where you'd touch me, you'd set me afire,
You're hot, and you burn me with love and desire.

All of my senses--sight, smell and touch
Are screaming at me: "I love you so much!"
My feelings are potent, and I want you to know
The more that I know you, the stronger they grow.

I'm begging you, please, to tell me you're mine
My luscious, my perfect, my sweet Valentine.

By Karl and Joanna Fuchs
We hope you enjoy these funny Valentine's Day poems. Funny Valentine poetry is perfect for e-cards, online printable Valentine cards or regular Valentine cards. This funny Valentine poem is a silly Valentine's Day poem with an animal theme. Using animals made it easier to write this funny Valentine rhyme.
Valentine Zoo

I’m an animal lover, I’m happy to say.
And I love them and pet them most every day.
So for you, Valentine, I thank heaven above,
Because you’re like the creatures I love.

You‘re cuddly and cute as a warm, playful kitten,
With your animal nature, my love, I am smitten.
You walk like a lioness stalking the plain,
With your dangerous eyes and your beautiful mane.

It’s such pleasure to pet you, as you sigh and you purr,
I run my hand over you, like stroking your fur.
I'm a strong Alpha wolf, with you at my side,
Sharing love, food and shelter, and feelings of pride.

These feelings of animal love we can share,
As I find different ways to show that I care.
So won’t you please be my own private zoo?
My Valentine, I love to play with you.

Funny Valentine poems can also be love poems. This funny Valentine's Day love poem speaks of love's all-encompassing thoughts and feelings. Valentine greeting card poetry really does have a lot of variety, as this funny Valentine poem demonstrates!
Everything Reminds Me Of You

I look at a tree,
And what do I see?
My Valentine's face
Smiling back at me.

I spot a cute rock,
But, oh what a shock,
For it reminds of you
And that is no crock.

Everywhere that I turn,
My feelings just burn
With thoughts about you,
My love please don’t spurn!

Each rock and each tree,
Each cloud and each bee,
The earth and the sea,
It all reminds me...

I love you awesomely!

Funny Valentines Day Gift
Valentine toilet paper!
"I love you from top to bottom."

Funny Valentine poems can also be romantic, as this funny Valentine's Day poem is.
Will You Be Mine?

Valentine, you make me silly;
You make my heart beat willy-nilly;
When I'm with you, the world is hazy;
Valentine, you drive me crazy!

Valentine, when we're apart,
My need for you goes off the chart.
Will you be mine? Can I be thine?
Say you'll be my Valentine!

Funny Valentine poems can get really creative. This silly Valentine poem involves humorous fantasy.
vintage valentine image jester w hearts side
Dreadful Valentine
There's a time for everything, some wise man said,So, it’s time for this, says the voice in my head.
What happens when I say it fills me with dread,
But there’s no hiding from it, so I’ll plow straight ahead:
It’s Valentines Day and I love you!
     Now I pray this is read!     
My Princess
Life was always quite normal and sane;
Now we've met and it's weakened my brain.

My whole life now is like a story book
With a beautiful princess and villains that look
Like other men, but they're evil and bad.
They keep trying to make my princess so sad
By keeping her from me. It's driving me crazy
But "happily ever after" is not for the lazy.

So I'll plan and I'll strive till my princess can see
That her handsome, courageous, hero is me.

That's what I dream;
To make my dreaming come true
The only thing needed is the presence of you
To be by my side, in the picture I see
As the princess I'll love for eternity.

Let us know what kind of funny valentine poems you want!

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Funny Valentine poems often describe the humorous aspects of love. This short funny Valentine's Day poem describes someone who's really smitten. It's perfect for a Valentine greeting card message.
Will You Be My Valentine?

For months I’ve sat and held it in,
It choked inside and hurt like sin.
It made me sweat and steam and stew,
Whenever I caught sight of you.

Thank goodness Valentine's Day has come;
If I held it longer, it would strike me dumb.
This day I’ll say it, come rain or shine...
Will you be my Valentine?

They Will Never Find Your Body (As Hot As I Do!)
Funny Valentine's Day Paper Card with Envelope

Funny Valentine poems can be sent to people you'd like to know better, as Valentine greeting card sayings. This funny Valentine poem is like that. It's a Valentine's Day humor poem with a "come on."
I'd Like to Get to Know You

At first you were just a gleam in my eye,
Just a squiggly feeling when you would walk by.
Because you look like such a treat,
You've made mush of my brain, made me weak in the feet.

This can't go on, I've got to find out
What you are like, or without a doubt
My breathing will cease and my heart will go bust,
And all of my mechanisms will wither to dust.

I know what I'll do, I'll approach you and smile--
Say, "I'm lost" or "It's a great day" or something, or I'll
Pass out from fright and die of remorse.
Anyway, that won't really happen, of course.

I'll just get up the nerve and say out of the blue...
"Hi, my name is _____ and I'd like to get to know you."

(If you're interested, give this Valentine poem back to me!)

Funny Valentine poems can contain elements of magic, like this funny Valentine's Day rhyme does. It's a funny Valentine's Day poem about a magic potion.

The Magic Valentine Potion

I was strong and now I’m weak,
So a secret potion now I seek,
To help me balance out my life,
To help me shed this inner strife.

What torment makes me whimper deep,
That keeps me nights without much sleep,
That took the strength from muscles strong,
That makes me hear the birdie’s song.

This potion must be magic sweet,
To make me whole, again complete.
So be my potion, Valentine,
Just answer me that you'll be mine.

Like funny Valentine poems? There is
another one on the main Valentine Poems page.

More Valentine Poetry

See Our Other Pages of Valentine Poems

We have SEVEN pages of Valentine poems:
This Funny Valentine Poems page, and
The Valentine Poems Main Page
and the following additional five pages:

Christian Valentine Poems
Family Valentine Poems
Friend Valentine Poems
Kid Valentine Poems
Valentine Love Poems

Sometimes life isn't funny, and the laughs stop, even on Valentine's Day...sometimes especially on Valentines Day. That's when Valentine prayers come in handy. If you ever feel like that, perhaps you'll come back to this Valentine prayer.

Are You There?

Lord, are you there?
Can you hear me?
It's supposed to be a happy day today,
but life seems heavy instead.
The sun has gone under a cloud,
and I need some help.
I pray that you'll ease my mind,
comfort my aching heart
and heal my body.
Please be with me now;
shelter me within your love.
In Jesus name I pray; amen.

Curious about the Christian religion? What is Christianity?
What is a Christian? What is Christian faith?
To see the answers and find out how to become a Christian,
check out this Web site.

Thanks for reading our funny Valentine poems!

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